being average

first 1/4 century

first crush. first love.unsuitable. different mentality. too conservative. too open. shallow. to deep to laugh. summer fling. one night stand. travel buddy. fuck buddy. too old. too young. cheap. beater. mental abuser. physical abuser.no chemistry. not my fantasy. drugie or rather not a drugie drunkie or rather not a drunkie. intimidated. intimidating. local. nonlocal. just friends. friends with benefits.friend when needed. only friends. mother fucking player. too big of a loser. ...


round 2? stability? screw that.

The rope I climb has no tied ends to hold my fate. I keep reminding myself that self-preservation is one of my mind duties yet the tar keeps blocking the gateways . Transic tones from the last grave I danced in sets me gliding between heaven and hell..
wouldn't I want to go to heaven before I die? those seconds of white teeth and pulsing eyes.
to hear my own internal laughs. that some of you might hear.

>>>> if only I could only enjoy the silence of average.

layers of my heart

The rooted tree on the sidewalk carried the carvings of the unnoticed feelings you have for me that is still there but is forgotten. Three times today I looked outside the window side to see if it is changed ..it has not..but you have changed.

With the needle you hold carrying the blue & red threads you made your amature stitches on the organ that used to be my heart. I throw in my laundry basket my body parts to clean it from your calculated touch. I keep the tough spots for me to go down on my knees,raise my dress, spread my legs and scrub my organs till the bones are loose. Would you not forgive me for my inablity to forgive you for the loose dager you held behind my back and stabbed me with when the clock struck twelve. or the stone you hid to club me with when we would shiver?

Do you still want to pin me to the wall and wrap my weak bones with the red quilt meat..